Fifty Shades of Whey Hey 16/08/2012

I stand before the world this evening a defeated woman.


Oh yes, my world as I know it is on the brink of irrevocable change.

My life is meaningless and my relationship ruined.


My only hope of  consolation I think is to spend several  hours flagellating my self with  the most vicious looking begonia I can  find.


Redemption I am given to believe can be found in a book by E L James called “Fifty Shades of Grey”. This literary masterpiece as I understand it has spiced up the loves lives of many an over 30 married lady and is reputed to have even saved really for truly actual marriages.


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Apparently dipping into the world of BDSM is quite the thing now, something the sales people at Ann Summers are jumping up and down with glee about. They have even produced a whole fifty Shades of Grey range to satisfy the record breaking demand for adult toys of a particular nature. I must immediately cease from writing this and visit the website that will avail me of the products that will keep my loved one happy.


Err... yeah right!


Forgive my cynicism but this hype is all utter bollocks.


The idea that women are fighting back and are suddenly enjoying there own form of chick porn is utterly ridiculous. It’s been going on for years. Jackie Collins - bless her cotton socks - has been at it for what seems like centuries now and even dear Jilly Cooper has had a stab at it in her own jolly hockey sticks kind of way.


As for the BDSM thing, it’s nothing new; we have all had a go at it in some form or other. I mean let's face it – who didn’t re-inact the fridge scene out of 9 ½ weeks when it came out. (Oh - ok, that was just me then - ooops.)


The feminists are up in arms saying that it will set the woman’s movement back years as it allows women to believe that being submissive is acceptable and even glamorous. Err... news flash ladies – we still are.


As a mum and a partner, I’m pretty sure that I already spend a goodly chunk of my life being submissive.


Women are natural martyrs we spend most of our time making sure that other people come first making our needs secondary.  Women have a built in propensity for saying “No, No, it's ok darling you go ahead and do what you want, I’ll make sure everything is ok.


We may be getting ahead in the professional sense but domestically we are way, way behind. So as far as bedroom antics are concerned I have a sneaky feeling that this book will not be instigating women to ask their partners to dominate them. It is far more likely that Mrs will be tying Mr to the bedpost and getting a bit of her own back.


Picture the scene. Mrs seductively ties hubby to the bedpost, blindfolds him and kisses him seductively she then whispers provocatively.

“Now don’t you move my darling I will be back in a moment.”


She then (if she has any sense), bogs off down to the pub with her mates for the evening.


This book is not revolutionary, it is not even particularly well written, so I am told. It is however a fantastic example of  how successful viral marketing can be. It has sold 40 million copies worldwide. It has even pushed our lovely Harry Potter from the top slot. Which is a real shame I think, as not only did JK tell a ripping good yarn but she also inspired a generation of kids to take up reading again?


Not sure what benefits Ms James’s book will have. Baby boom perhaps?


Considering that most of the initial sales for the book were done on the internet, via Kindle particularly (apparently the discreet nature of these devices means you can read anything from Enid Blyton to “How to Kill your Husband” and your dearly beloved won’t have a clue.) and that all the social networking sites were deployed to publicise it, you begin to see what a stroke of genius this strategy was. Sour grape anyone?


Not only was the marketing impressive, but the pricing was a gem. You can buy the kindle download for just £3.00. The paperback will set you back £3.78. Now, even in these times of recession it could hardly be classed as a risky purchase. Well not in monetary sense anyway. Even if you hate it and don’t read it you’re hardly going to chastise yourself for wasting £3.00.


The people I do feel sorry for are the visually impaired. There has been a huge demand for the book in audio format but that will set you back a whopping £18.00, presumably because they have to pay the readers a fortune. Get Meg Ryan in – she could certainly make the sex scenes come to life.


Oh, how many poor ladies have received this book as a birthday present from their ever so hopeful husbands only to be told “Get back to your shed you pervert isn’t that what all those magazines you’ve got are for?”


So although the copy sales figures are impressive, I am not sure I would necessarily put any store by them being indicative of anything. My guess is that most people will have missed out the bulk of the sory and skipped straight to the juicy bits. Let us not yet assume though that this book has no purpose. After all at 500 pages it would possibly make rather a good spanking tool and it’s so much cheaper than a real paddle, I am told.


E L James deserves her success and her publishers are certainly ahead of the game. If lots of middle aged women have found a new lease of sex life then good on them.  But let us not over complitate this by making it into something it’s not. I have to confess that all the time I have been writing this I have kept coming back to a song by the very wonderful Victoria Wood. It just about sums this whole thing up.


                                                                                 Do yourself a favour and watch it. It will I promise make you laugh.

Please feel free to leave comments.

If you have enjoyed this blog, you may enjoy my novel. 

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